Wednesday, August 03, 2005

ADD'S Finest

ADD’s finest.

Ok, the tonights brief topic; the dick doctor at your annual physical. Always interesting in the first place especially when your doctor is a middle aged slim women who asks prior to ignition if a college female med school student can perform my check up under the auspices of her immediate follow up. Her name was Daniella and she was vibrant, cute packing the parlay of industry knowledge and of course handsome bed side manners.

I was to be her first patient ever. I congratulated her immediately. Her first ever victim happens to be the dream and this is humorous for a number of reasons first and most obvious is my lengthy medical history. I mean the lawnmower and car accident were bad enough but when they get hit with an ADHD and gout combination I can sense even the trained proffesional battle the impulse to naturally busrt laughing over the notion of,” who is this fucking guy.”

Of course then comes the question that I learned a long time ago you always answer no to. Now for the guy who coined the phrase lying to your therapists like cheating at solitaire this was a profound development.

Question: Do you do drugs?


Do you drink?


Question: Do you ever experience a loss of hearing?

Me: Well my roommate Pete Nice thinks I’m deaf.

“Can you not hear him?”

I don’t know but I seem to hear everybody else.

OK, well again Carl all of these questions I’m asking our all meant in the chronic sense.

I know that’s typically when I can’t hear.

A look of all-in confusion plates her face as I jump back in and tell her my favorite question she’s at some point going to ask on the protocol tip.

So sex, women, men or both?

That one always makes me laugh. Especially when it’s a monotone teacher in Beuller style with zero personality who when speaks you can feel kryptonite attacking your own frosty coolness.

As her first ever crack at the show continued I fell asleep twice because it was early and alls I wanted to do was sleep with hundreds of pillows around me for another thirty maybe thirty-five minutes.

The strangeness and thrust of this piece is when my primary care physician came in to check the students work, ask me questions and perform how it was originally pitched…..

my testicle examination.

My friends and I from childhood all went to the same dick doctor slash iconic Dr. Palent. We to this day joke that twice when under nude questioning my best friend Magic saw his jimmy go noon. And that’s how rumors get started.

So anyway when I agreed to the student holleren at my health my doctor Jacoby said that, “don’t worry I’ll be back for the testicular check.”

Was she inferring something? Too much clouded a clock to hawk or jock any other thoughts besides how tired I was and how happy I was with myself for attending my now annual physical check in. Sensing a wonderful first experience for her girl intern she Dr. Jacoby basked in the sunshine that was chilling early AM in that room. Confident and proud she jumped started Daniella'scareer. “Deanna can you handle the testicle check?”

Within under a second of Deanna’s verbal commitment my khakis had dropped effortlessly to the ground in stunning efficiency no undies. Dr. Jacoby looked at me briefly and sideways like Eddie Murphy looked at the camera when Mortamor said the analgoy about the bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. Anyway Dr. Jacoby started juggling first and together they were both teaching and being taught. So funny, very serious doctors talking professionally while juggling my nuts. Serious banter, back and forth, good questions about things I was unaware I packed, real education and even a little humor. Anyway short one tonight but I’ll be black a with a slice tomorrow night and maybe a Pepsi. That shit was just incredibly funny to me. As a last act Dr. Jacobi in all of her grandiose of doing something without effort swiftly penned my gorilla fill long lasting mad milligram tablets of Ritalin, king. Ritalin is king. Finally the eagle has landed. I promptly hugged her and was dust.

Been off the script tip – Boston, NYC this weekend, summer, summer, happy hours and classic everyday shit has colluded recently to keep me away from that day when I can finally say,

Yo I finished that shit.

Goen back to title town is always good for Legendes. So isn’t my own maturity, focus and desire.

The characters are coming more alive in my head and the humor is flowing. I know what I have to say.

1 love,

top shelf no dust,

B breezy


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